I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
