My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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