I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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