weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
