Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
bring money and cleavage
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
