I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is the high leading the old right now
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My vagina just clenched in fear
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
