dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
