you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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