I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
