the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
