There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
