i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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