just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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