Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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