When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Randomize
