well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think I sprained my soul last night
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
