if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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