i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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