if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
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