I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That's how pantless uber rides happen
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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