My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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