this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
