bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
