After last night, I could never be a politician.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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