My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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