1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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