his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
