i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
