So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
