I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
