i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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