two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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