The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
