You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
