True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
