I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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