I wish I could punch you in the face.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just had sex bonerless
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
