my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
