There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
