Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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