pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
