I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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