I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
