she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
