Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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