broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
