I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
