dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
