Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
