I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
