Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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