I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
