was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
