Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
