I will die if light touches me.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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