i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
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I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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