I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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