I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
