I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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