Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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