My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Are my feet made of real feet?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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