my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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