turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
