I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.