i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
